Today’s blog post is a little bit different than usual. I’m combining something that I wrote a couple of days ago as we were nursing an ill goat with something I wrote yesterday and posted on my Facebook group.
The past few days have involved coloring while caretaking as well as coloring while processing the loss of a dear pet. Since my blog often does double duty as a journal, I’m just going to put everything here on one page kind of scrapbook style. In fact this first part is actually being written outside (last night) while sitting in the garden, watching our three remaining goats doing fall cleanup. Outside the garden fence on the other side of the pond, a huge deer just came out of the woods and is watching us. He has giant antlers and a huge puffy tail.
I guess the goats know him as a neighbor because they didn’t even interrupt their eating to watch him. I don’t think this picture is going to turn out very well. I took it with an iPad after the sun set but I hope you can get a little look at how our remaining herd members are doing what goats do best – eating together as a family.
Mabel, Peppy and Doodles cleaning up the Fall garden.
Oh! One other thing. I had a website crash yesterday but everything should be all fixed now. Sorry if you tried to reach the website and found things unavailable for a while. Now on to the recycled posts.
—–(From A Few Days Ago)—–
We are caring for an ill goat (Marshall) who is also an important member of our pet family, and at the end of a long, stressful day I can feel all of the “after feels” that many people experience in times like these. Mine are playing out as extra tiredness, worry, foggy headedness. Probably a few more in there as well, but it’s tough to get a good grasp on them when you’re foggy headed, lol.
Coloring doesn’t change the events or circumstances of the day – but it can really help create a quiet moment. I find that carefully adding color to little bitty shapes is something that I can always trust to be easy, peaceful and gently restorative. It doesn’t require razor sharp thought or high levels of stamina – so when a day has already been challenging enough, coloring is a wonderful activity that can let you lose yourself for a little while. In the background, your body and mind can gradually relax and recharge – readying you for the next caretaking requirements.
In the barn today, healing seems to be progressing – but things are improving at a very slow pace. There will likely be some more worry ahead, and hopefully Marshall’s illness resolves before the weakness from being ill brings its own problem. For now, though, he’s resting quietly – so it’s time for some restorative coloring.
Today’s coloring progress slideshow:
Today’s book: Transcend For Crayons And Wide Tipped Markers (Angie’s Gentle Mood Menders – Volume 4)
Colored with: Copic Sketch Markers.
—–(From Thursday Morning Facebook post)——–
Good morning everyone –
Thank you so much for the kind words of sympathy for Marshall the goat. Yesterday was a really tough day and it really helped knowing that he had the company of your thoughts as he passed away.
My husband and I are rather practiced at grieving, as you eventually get to be when pets are a large part of your life. We process things differently – he searches the house for small things to control, cooking, doing repairs, etc. I take note of my heavy feelings and observe all of the nuances of the toxic tired feelings ebb and flow – knowing that the physical feelings (that feel like being hit with the hammer of defeat) follow a familiar 3 day cycle. I micro adjust “to-do” lists so that I go with the flow instead of pushing. (So today I write up the grocery shopping list, but don’t actually shop until tomorrow. Got to spread out stuff like that or it will just seem too overwhelming. I’ll just watch my husband repair stuff today instead.)
Grief isn’t continuous. Hidden amongst the strong and uncomfortable feelings that need to pass, there are many, many many sweet memories. Of course, those often get followed by that sharp pointy feeling of sadness. Gradually we rebuild our reserves and become more resilient to the pointy bits and more able to open heartedly cherish the treasured memories of a life that is no longer here with us.
There is also practice in being gentle with ourselves. I find myself on the verge of self criticism when my thoughts linger on remembrances of how amazingly soft and puffy Marshall’s coat was. Even after he was gone, I couldn’t stop petting him and marveling how he was soft as a giant powder puff. And then a twinge of guilt for dwelling on such a superficial part of his beautifully complex being. And then a self forgiveness and acceptance that it’s OK treasure any little thing if it’s something I treasured.
Repeat, repeat, repeat. Not fighting the body and mind’s need to cleanse itself of the stress and restore open space for the love and cherishing. Stuff that we all do in our own individual ways as we deal with personal losses.
May all of you who are holding grief, whether it be from the present moment or the past, share in the comfort of the softest and puffiest white goat ever. He came to our herd to comfort old Mabel in her grief – and his legacy of comfort is much bigger than our present moment of loss.
Have a lovely coloring Thursday.