I tend to lead a very quiet life, with the goal to make it ever quieter. I’ve never been a fan of conflict – which always seems like a lot of energy wasted down a path that just isn’t ever going to be satisfying. I don’t generally get visibly wound up about things but instead of building deep reserves of calm and contentment it seems that I often find myself just getting extra sensitive to tiny little imbalances. And probably about 95% of my “whaahh! This isn’t as perfect as I’d like it to be” moments take the form of “whaahh! I HAVE to DO something and I’d really much rather explore just BEING”.
Often the only difference between “have to do” stuff and “hooray, just happily being” stuff is that I feel that I’m depleting time and energy with the some activities, and with other activities I’m blissfully unaware of time passing or energy being expended. 6:21 PM talking about this in a blog post feels like gabbing with friends. But 6:21 PM wondering what I should write about would be totally different. Doing feels like having to give things a bit of a push, and being is when stuff just flows.
I’ve got a possibly big piece of website work that I’ve been putting off. All of the computer stuff for the layout and arrangement of these pages is done using a “website theme” which is essentially like having website lines that I color in with all of my posts and pages and pictures. Like all computer stuff, once in a while themes have major updates, and when you hit the “OK, update stuff” button all kinds of things can start acting weird – and then it’s puzzle time and fixit time. All of that is actually kind of fun, unless you start freaking out that your website might be a mess for a few seconds or a few hours (or worse) and do all of the puzzling and fixing with an air of tension and doom.
Once the sense of tension is there, then all kinds of other “being” tasks start feeling like “doing” tasks and instead of coasting along enjoying the ride everything starts to look like a time demand or an energy demand. And then there is the internal conflict between wanting to immerse myself in being and feeling a sense of urgency about doing.
Being is really where it’s all at, though. And this delicate balancing and shifting of perspective from doing to being is something that is really at the heart of my drawing. More on that tomorrow.
Here’s a slide show with my step by step slow coloring progress:
Today’s book: More Flowers For Crayons And Wide Tipped Markers
Colored with: Faber Castell Polychromos Pencils.